The big hand is moving

It feels as though I haven’t been able to write for a very, very long time. I’m still not even sure now. I haven’t had any success in reflecting upon my life, lately. I haven’t figured it out or come to a new conclusion or even know how I really feel about it. My life, that is. I keep questioning myself. Everyone knows this about me. Isn’t inquiry the key to improvement though?

I’m trying really hard to live a life full of meaning. I take this to mean kind of staying away from social networks… focusing more on what’s in front of me at eye-level… taking the time to pull out records, not rushing home after school or work. I want to bide my time with the day. I want to remember what it was like to be in love with every part of my day and smile with strangers. Why can’t I do this? I think it’s because I’m graduating, or my feelings about post-grad life. That is, work… dedication, - {god I just got sucked into this The Front Bottoms’s song right now) - but it’s scary. Once you go down that road… I feel as if it’ll be hard to visit the one you never took. I never took. I don’t ever want to not take… I always want to never not take. 

Reflecting back to when I first started college, I made a goal to save up enough money to travel the south-western border of Europe when I graduated. Now that I’m almost graduating, I can say with total unwanted-confidence that that trip isn’t happening. It’s just kind of weird to see how my priorities have shifted a bit… I want to still live out the last hoorah of the past-me I guess. I want to revert back into who I was. Do people do that? Like yeah, thanks for the experience Universe, I know I’ll use it someday… but what about dealing me some good cards here? Easy ones?

Or maybe I’m just kind of blind to the goodness that’s already been granted to me… okay, now this has just turned into a personal rant within the silence of a Sunday night after a bowl of green. Later.